Between Us Girls

How to Find Happiness the Easy Way

Finding happiness is all the rage these days, but why does it have to be so darn difficult?  Are we that out of touch with what makes us happy or have our expectations just become too high?

Those of you who have ready my prior post on the Power of Positive Emotions know that experiencing positive emotions can undo a lot of the damage caused by negative emotions.  Common sense tells you that the more often we experience these positive emotions the happier we will be.  Considering this, I've decided that happiness doesn't have to be so difficult.  I've proposed a simpler way to conceive of happiness and some easy steps that we can take in our pursuit of it.

Check out my guest post "How to Find Happiness the Easy Way" over at the Positivity Blog and let me know what you think. Your comments, anecdotes and suggestions are always welcome!

How to Stop Procrastinating and Start Doing

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Well, because it's easier, you have more interesting things to do and, perhaps, you never really wanted to do those things in the first place.

Procrastinating isn't just about waiting until the last minute to get something done. It can also show up as the tendency to avoid confrontation, a reluctance to take risks or try new things, the ability to make big plans but to never follow through, the tendency to get sick or tired when faced with unpleasant tasks or the choice to blame others for your unhappiness instead of taking action.

Some of us have a bigger problem with procrastination than others, but we are all guilty of it now and again. What about you? Have you ever waited until the eleventh hour to pull together a term paper or a report for the boss? Can you always find a reason why that talk about boundary issues with your mother-in-law can wait? Do you spend hours or months researching the best brand of toothpaste or minivan? Do you keep talking about that new business you're going to start or that book you're going to write...someday? Whoops, that

How to Keep Your Cool When the Heat is On

Whether you're a chronic worrier or steady as a rock, chances are that you have experienced anxiety at one time or another. I'm not talking about panic attacks or anxiety disorders, just the run-of-the-mill anxiety we experience when we are about to face someone or something that sets those butterflies a-fluttering.

Think blind date, job interview, marriage proposal, confronting your nosy neighbor...any situation that might make you tense and fearful. You're worried about the impression you'll make, you fear you might embarrass yourself, you're afraid that you'll come across as unprepared or that you will get a negative reaction.

The anticipation of potentially stressful events can be worse than the event itself. So when the heat is on, how do you keep your cool? Next time you are worried about an upcoming event, try some of these ideas and see how they work:

Do Your Homework

Preparation is key. If you are worried that things will go wrong or that you won't be ready for whatever is thrown at you, take a hint from the scouts and be prepared. Gather whatever information or tools that you think you might need and have them at the ready.

7 Tips for Keeping Things in Perspective

We are all too familiar with stress and what it can do to our health and well-being. Each and every day new problems crop up that create the opportunity for worry and anxiety to stop us in our tracks. But every problem that we encounter doesn't carry the same weight. Difficulties, like people, come in all shapes and sizes and keeping our perspective is important if we want to avoid being sent into a tail-spin numerous times a day.

So how do we do this? How do we keep things in perspective so that we aren't overcome with anxiety every time an obstacle shows up in our lives.

There are many ways to maintain perspective – to see our problems for what they really are and to not let them balloon to larger-than-life proportions. It all comes down to stopping, breathing, and taking the time to ask ourselves some important questions:

Therapy, Therapists and Techniques: How to Find What Works for You

The world of psychotherapy is a very broad and varied one. There is a dizzying array of theories, techniques and approaches to therapy from which to choose and weeding through them to find the therapy style that is right for you can be almost as stressful as the problem that drove you to therapy in the first place!

From psychoanalytic theory to cognitive-behavioral theory, from “Gestalt Therapy” to “Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy,” from relaxation techniques to role playing exercises, the options are endless. So where do you start? Is there some easy answer...some secret formula?

Of course not. I wish I could give you a simple formula...some easy mathematical equation that would lead you to “the answer” but I can't. Finding what works for you is simply, or not so simply, a process of trial and error.

But let me tell you something that might help. Before I decided to stay home with children (and climb the walls on a daily basis), I did a little bit of counseling myself. What I mean to say is I counseled other people...but then again, I have counseled myself quite a bit as well. Never mind...the point is I have some training and experience in this area and I'm going to let you in on a secret. Counselors and therapists can sometimes have a hard time sorting through the piles of psychotherapeutic techniques as well.

A Movie-ng Message - Pixar's Plea for the Environment

WALL-E, the latest in a string of Pixar spectaculars, opened this past weekend and we thought it would be a fun movie for the whole family. Who doesn't love a story about a cute little robot and his escapades in space? Well, it was a fun movie in some ways and it certainly provided the clever animation and storytelling that we have come to expect from Pixar. But I found it more disturbing that I did entertaining and, honestly, that made me love it even more.

The ads for the movie focus on the antics of a robotic E.T. look-a-like. What the movie trailers don't let you in on is that WALL-E isn't just any robot. He spends his days on what is left of the Earth after the “progress” of humankind polluted and depleted it to the point hat the Earth is no longer able to sustain life. The humans, having left to live “in space,” leave WALL-E behind to clean up the mess.

The bulk of the story revolves around WALL-E's relationship with a bot named EVE who is sent back down to Earth to search for signs of life. While the story on the surface appears to be about WALL-E's relationship with his new friend, the underlying story of the human destruction of the Earth is

Finding the Meaning of Life

We all have our moments...times when we just don't like the way life is going, when we feel that nothing is working, when everything seems so overwhelming. We feel like we're swimming upstream and we wonder why we are even bothering. What's the use? Why does life have to be so hard?

Sometimes life is hard. But it's also true that no matter how difficult it gets, there is always a way to go on. Always. No matter what. Whatever your circumstances, you can find something to live for. But when we are in the midst of a bad time, we can easily lose sight of that fact, can't we? Times like these call for drastic measures. Times like these call for a story. Let me tell you one

How You Can Fight Materialism and Win

This post is the third in a series on the dangers of materialism.

An unchecked focus on materialistic values can cause so much harm to us personally, to our relationships with others and to the ecosphere as a whole. In“The Scourge of Materialism” we learned that materialistic people are generally less happy and more likely to act in socially and environmentally damaging ways. In “The Costs of Materialism” we took a more in-depth look at the personal, social and ecological costs of materialism.

The result? We know that materialistic values are not congruent with a psychologically, socially and ecologically healthy way of life. But what, if anything, can we do about it? Living in a society that is built on the drive toward material gain, how can we manage to live a life based on more pro-social values? Is it even possible? 

The Cost of Materialism

This is the second post in a three part series on the dangers of materialism. For an introduction to the subject, please read “The Scourge of Materialism.”

Our society has centered itself around materialistic pursuits. We place a high value on financial success, social status and the many symbols that represent both. Quite often, we push the people and activities that we love onto the back burner as we pursue the better job, the bigger house, the shinier car.

But these symbols of success have a price and we're not just talking about money. The costs of materialism are far broader than that. Their impact extends well beyond our bank accounts to our personal

The Scourge of Materialism

It seems that there is a plague in our midst. It threatens to steal away our health, our happiness and perhaps our future. Celebrity carriers like Paris Hilton and Donald Trump may be it's poster-children but they have a lot of not-so-famous company. Look around...it's likely that many around you have already been infected. In fact, chances are good that it's gotten most of your loved ones and quite possibly.......you.

Materialism, consumerism, commercialism...call it what you will. It permeates our culture. Buying, spending, accumulating...these are the building blocks of our society. Our values reflect it and our government encourages it. Feeling good about ourselves comes not from what we do, but what we have. Social status is based on wealth and possessions. Legislation is designed, not to protect the common good but, to protect corporate profits and shareholder interests and to preserve the link between money and power.

Research (not to mention common logic) has demonstrated that the more people value materialistic goals, the less happy they are and the more likely they are to act in socially and ecologically damaging ways. It is becoming more and more clear that when we choose to define success in materialistic terms, we pay a very high price. Here in the United States, we are reaping what our capitalistic society has sown and most of us are disappointed with the harvest.

Huge fuel costs (despite record fuel industry

How Spirituality Can Help You Reach Your Goals

     Some of us are naturally spiritual people and some are not.  Some of us equate spirituality with religion and some do not.  Whether we attend church, chant and meditate, participate in drum circles or eschew all things spiritual or religious in nature, one thing that we do share is the tendency to build our lives around our goals.  We can also agree that achieving the goals we set for ourselves isn't always easy.

     I have written elsewhere about the importance of choosing our goals wisely.  Goals that are congruent with our values are much more meaningful and more likely to be attained.  But psychological research shows that having goals that are not just meaningful, but spiritually meaningful, boosts our power to achieve.

"Psychological studies have recently begun focusing on better defining and studying spirituality, as opposed to a cloudy mix of religion and spirituality, and the results are quite interesting. It turns out that a sense of spirituality can be good for you, especially when it comes to achieving your goals."

     Having spiritually meaningful goals doesn't mean that you need to become religious or set goals like "ending hunger" or "saving the whales."  But contemplating your place in the world and the meaning of your life may help guide you in determining the goals that are most meaningful to you.  To find out more, read my guest post "How Spirituality Can Help You Reach Your Goals" at www.effortlessabundance.com.

    

The Strength to be Yourself

     Once in a while I get in a funk...don't we all? I fall into the trap of comparing myself with others, regretting past mistakes, wishing I had done things differently or that I was more like someone else I imagine to be far better off. For a day or two, I can't seem to muster the energy to take all of my own advice on positive thinking, gratitude, living in the here and now, blah, blah, blah.

     Hey, I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Yes, I know better and yet sometimes, even knowing better isn't enough to keep my spirits up when things aren't going my way. So, I allow myself a day or two of moping and then I get on with my life. I get back on the positive psychology wagon. I focus on the moment, try to meditate, exercise (of course), engage in activities that foster more positive emotions (like reading or walking outside or a little gardening) and the world seems bright once again.

     It's good that I go through this really. It keeps me humble and serves as a reminder that there is a lot of unhappiness in the world and that we are all susceptible. Experiencing it myself now and again helps me to be more compassionate towards others who are feeling low and maybe don't have the knowledge or the skills to pull themselves out of it like I do. I believe that we all need to do what we can in this crazy world to try to stay positive, to improve our lives and to be happy. I also believe that we owe it to our friends, our families and our neighbors to reach out and grab their hands and lift them up as well.

Mindfulness Meditation and Stress Reduction

 

     Stress is a given in our lives. Difficult people, time pressures, repetitive and routine tasks, financial concerns, and a lack of self-confidence are some of the most common stressors we face. But it is not the stressors themselves that cause the problem. It is the way we handle, or fail to handle them, that causes us grief.

     Meditation has long been known to assist people in dealing effectively with the stresses in their lives. It is a simple and proven method, yet few of us take advantage of it. Why? Perhaps because we see it as being much more difficult than it really is. We view it as something foreign, something that is one small part of a very complex religious or philosophical system that we may have no interest in or little time to pursue. Or, we just think it is too hard.

Parents and Children - How Much Influence Do We Really Have?

      As parents, we often worry about how our kids will handle things as they grow up. We try to teach them all that we know in the hope that what we are telling them will get locked away in their brains and that, when faced with temptation or a difficult choice, our words will be recalled and a wise choice made.

     But how much influence do we really have on our children's behavior? There is some good news here. Research has shown that throughout our children's lives, we parents really are the strongest influence on our children's behavior. Our kids are listening and learning from us. They do consider what we have to say about issues and when they are confused or unsure, we are often the first ones to whom they turn for advice...until high school, that is.

     When our kids become teenagers, we parents lose our power. Teens still hear our voices if only faintly, but there are new voices – those of their peers. Parent's voices simply cannot be heard over the din. The voices of our children's peers are far more piercing and persuasive.

     What problems can this create for our kids? Well, at a time when our children are beginning to grow up and are faced with many more temptations and life-altering choices than we might like, they are taking there cue from their friends. Peers are their primary counsel when it comes to whether or not to become sexually active, to use condoms, to drink, to take drugs, or to smoke. Should they wear their seat belts? Should they wear helmets? Should they use sunscreen? The list of important decisions that our children are faced with in their teens is endless.

The Power of Positive Emotions

     We all know that positive emotions are desirable.  Who wouldn't rather feel loving than hateful, joyful than fearful, or happy than disappointed?  It doesn't take a brain surgeon to tell you that positive emotions make each moment that we are experiencing them a pleasure.  But the truth is that positive emotions are far more powerful than that.  Thanks to the work of Barbara L. Fredrickson, we now know that positive emotions can bring, not just momentary pleasure, but long-lasting benefits as well.

    Fredrickson's Broaden and Build Theory of positive emotions shows that positive emotions produce optimal functioning, not just in the present moment, but over the long-term.  Her contribution to the field of Positive Psychology has been significant, but her work can benefit each of us individually as well. 

The Earth Runneth Over - Musings on Birth, Death, Nature and Population Control

      Two Sundays ago we had the first beautiful day we have had in a long time...sunny and warm and just about perfect.  So we packed a picnic lunch, piled in the car and drove to Salt Springs State Park.

     Salt Springs is a rather rustic park in Northeastern Pennsylvania.  It's full of old growth Hemlock's, a variety of wildlife and some moderately challenging trails.  As we hiked, we paused occasionally to catch our breath as the beauty of nature (and some pretty steep trails) threatened to steal it away.  Then, tired and hungry, we sat by a lovely creek and listened to the sounds of water tumbling over rocks as we ate lunch.  All-in-all it was a beautiful day.

     I hope to spend more of my days in this way...exploring our beautiful natural world and having fun with my family.   There are still so many scenic, unspoiled places out there, but they are disappearing and rather quickly.  Can we continue to take them for granted?  Dare we assume that they will still be there for my children to bring their children to?  I wonder.

     While we were hiking we stopped to read the few educational plaques that were posted along the trails.  I already knew that when this country was settled, most of what is now the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania was covered with forests much like the one I was standing in.  William Penn named the Commonwealth Pennsylvania for a reason ( it means Penn's Woods).  What I didn't know was that in the last 100 years of human progress, population growth and industrialization, the forests of Pennsylvania have been reduced to 1/10th of 1 percent of their original size.  Think about that for

Bee-ing a Good Citizen

      The idea of being a good citizen means different things to different people, but I think that, at it's core, good citizenship refers to doing not what is easiest or best for oneself, but focusing more on what will contribute most to the common good.  Some will explain it as being helpful to one's neighbors, others may describe it as loyalty to one's country.  What creates variations in our definitions of good citizenship is our individual perspectives of what larger context we are considering ourselves a part, and, what obligations we feel toward that larger context.

     My beliefs lead me to view the entire planet as the larger context of which I am but a small part.  I believe that we are all - the plants, the animals, all of humanity - part of an interdependent web of existence.  We are all part of one large ecosystem and our obligation is to ensure the well-being and continuity of that entire system and all of its members.  While I know that some may not share these beliefs or simply may not care enough to have given it any thought, I am happy to see that, little by little

Doing Less and Getting More Done - Taoist Secrets

     Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I like to read and that my reading tends to lean toward the psychological, ecological and the spiritual.  When I find reading materials that address all three, I'm truly happy.

     For those of you who share my interests, you might want to check out my latest read "Ecotherapy" by Howard Clinebell.  It's an interesting book on the theory of ecopsychology and suggestions for the practical application of that theory in the therapeutic or educational setting.  You can find a link to that book and many others in the same vein in my Amazon Bookstore.

     Now getting back to the topic at-hand, like so many people these days, I struggle to stay calm, focus on the positive and find (and maintain) some sense of happiness and contentment.  In our stress-filled world, this is no easy feat but find that reading and thinking about things like ecopsychology and various forms of spirituality helps to sustain me and keep me on track.  As much as my approach to spirituality may be non-theistic and non-traditional, it is perhaps a more important part of my life than I sometimes realize and I believe this is true for most of us.

     Whether or not we consider ourselves religious or non-religious, I think that we are all in some respects spiritual.  As I discussed in a prior post, The Meaning of Spirituality, spirituality is about feeling that we are each one part of a larger whole.  The whole may be defined differently for each of us - Christianity, Islam, the human race, all living things, the universe etc.  Or, for many of us, the whole may be indefinable.  As human beings, it seems to be in our nature to wonder about our place in the universe and our role or purpose.  We need to have meaning in our lives and this is what I am talking about when I talk about spirituality.

     As I read, I seem to find that Eastern Philosophies have the most to offer when it comes to practical spitituality.  In Taoism in particular, I have found a great deal of practical wisdom, some of which I have already shared with you in my post  Come On Get Happy.

     I've also written a guest post for the PositivityBlog about Taoist Secrets to Doing Less and Getting More Done.  Those of you who like my prior post on Taoism or who simply like practical spirituality might find my guest post helpful as well.  Check it out and let me know what you think.  And, if you have any spiritual reading suggestions, please share them.

    

Focus and Life Goals

      Like my middle-aged vision, I find that my life lacks focus.  It's nothing new.  I've been this way my whole life.  I flit from idea to idea, from project to project, from career to career in much the same way I once went from boyfriend to boyfriend.  It's the way I operate.

     The only problem with this approach to life is that it's hard to get anywhere in life.  Great achievements are not made by people who are jacks-of-all-trades and masters-of-none.  We may be interesting people with colorful backgrounds, but we

Death and Ritual

     I  have never liked the rituals that accompany death...the "viewings" especially.  They always struck me as creepy and morbid.  The deceased never looked quite like themselves and I couldn't imagine why people would want to remember their loved ones that way.  Even worse, there are those (including my own mother)who want photos of the person in the coffin.  Yikes!

     Growing up in a family that doesn't exactly have a reputation for longevity, I attended many funerals as a child.  And to this day, as much as I love flowers, walking into a flower shop gives me goosebumps.  To me, the smell of a generic mix of flowers is the smell of a funeral home.  While I'm not happy with this long-term effect of my childhood funeral experiences, I am glad in an overall sense that I was allowed to attend those funerals as a child.  I've met many people who never attended a funeral until adulthood and it was usually the funeral of someone very important in their lives - a parent or a sibling.  That's not the time you want to feel unprepared and creeped out.

     While I had the benefit(?) of early exposure that helped me to know what to expect and become somewhat immune to the creepiness factor, I still don't care for the funeral process.  Bu now, as a more experienced adult, I am able to better understand the need for these rituals that we put ourselves through.  In fact today, I was reminded of my early experiences with death and of the need we have for these parting rituals. Today I was reminded that no matter how much we try to protect our children, we simply can't

The Importance of Marriage

      There is no doubt that marriage is an important institution in many cultures.  It is a formal commitment between two people who promise to love and care for each other, ideally, for a lifetime.  But just how important is it?

     Some of the issues facing our world today include terrorism, war, genocide, poverty, hunger, and a growing, global environmental crisis.  Within the United States itself, we are battling rising fuel prices and food costs, stagnant wages, health care and education quality and access issues, and drug-related violent crime to name but a few.

     If we were to prioritize these issues, where would marriage fit in do you think?  What would we do first?  Would we try to stop a terrorist bombing that threatened thousands of lives or would we dicker over who isn't willing to sit with whom at the wedding reception?  Would we try to stop the environmental degradation that, unchecked, will eventually make life on this planet impossible and lead to the extinction of the whole human race or would we argue over whether the ice sculpture should be a cupid or a castle?  Would we do something to help make sure that everyone who is sick can  (Read more...)

Lowered Expectations - The Key to Happiness?

    I admit it...I'm a naturally pessimistic person.  I work hard every day trying to develop and maintain a more optimistic outlook and to focus on what is right and good with my life instead of what's wrong with it, but, truth be told, my natural inclination is to hold a slightly negative view.  Oh I've had some success in these efforts...I'm a bit more content overall and I can go for hours or sometimes days without falling into  my old crotchety ways, but it is an effort.  Happiness can be elusive for those of us who were born to whine.  (If this sounds like you, read my prior post "The Pursuit of Happiness" for some suggestions)

    When people point out my tendency toward the glass-half-empty perspective, as people seem compelled to do, I counter that I'm not being negative, I'm being "realistic."  That's what my Dad always said when I was criticizing his tendency toward pessimism.  What can I say...I am my father's daughter and, honestly, I think that response has some merit.  Pessimists are known to be more realistic, albeit less happy, people.  I've also been known to say "Hey, if I expect that everything will go perfectly, I'm likely to be disappointed whereas, if I expect everything to go wrong, and then it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised!"  Makes total (Read more...)

The Trouble With Sex in America

                                                                                                  

Sex is alive and well in America.  You never have far to look far to find it.  Our society is saturated with it.  Movies, magazines, billboards, t.v. shows, advertising, even Disney pop stars reek of it.  And yet, in spite of the proliferation of sexual imagery and activity, America still attempts to maintain antiquated, puritanical sexual ideals.

     Unfortunately, as so often happens, our behavior doesn't quite manage to live up to the ideals we espouse.  And so, while our children's innocence is stolen from them earlier and earlier, our teens make promises that they can never be expected to keep while being fed a steady diet of sexual imagery and innuendo and our adults gorge themselves on every variation of the act they can imagine, we all busy ourselves trying to maintain the facade of purity.

    We talk the talk, but don't walk the walk.  We send mixed messages to our young people, perpetuate the idea of sex as some sort of guilty pleasure and let our own confused and twisted ideas about sex influence important government policies that end up being misguided, unethical and downright harmful.  (Read more...)

Domestic Violence Rages On

     One of my guiding principles in life is that, oftentimes, no news is good news.  But I don't mean that in the usual way.  What I mean is that, if you really want to be happy, don't watch the news. 

     Don't misunderstand me...I like to be informed.  I don't want to be completely ignorant of what is happening in the world around me.  But there is so much going on that is so unpleasant and that I have no control over, that sometimes, not watching the news is the best option.  In fact, therapists will often recommend this to patients who are anxiety-ridden or depressed.  Being bombarded with messages of doom and gloom over which you have no control is enough to drive anyone to the brink of suicide.

     Occasionally though, I forget.  The other day, I tore myself away from the computer, made myself some lunch and sat down in front of the t.v. to enjoy it.  It was exactly 12 noon, so of course the noon news was just beginning.  By nine minutes past the hour I had heard about a fire that gutted someone's home, an accident involving two trucks, a robbery or two, a home invasion, another fire, and two stories about two separate men in two separate places in our viewing area beating women with baseball bats. Not one positive story to give me any hope that life was still worth  (Read more...)

More On Mid-Life

    For those of you who are interested in the topic of mid-life crises, I have a little more advice to send your way.  I have written a guest post that provides some futher guidance on navigating the challenges of mid-life for a wonderful blog called "DumbLittleMan."  This post offers some simple do and don't guidelines for anyone who is floundering and fumbling their way through a mid-life crisis. 

"Sooner or later we all go through it.  We begin to lose parents, our friends or spouses start to come down with "old people" illnesses, our children grow up and (if we're lucky) begin to leave home.  We look around at the landscape of our lives and realize it has become unrecognizable.  What we once centered our lives around has changed, anchors that moored us have detached and, as the anxiety begins to mount, we find ourselves looking for something to hold on to. But what?"  (Read more...)

     Don't let the name fool you, the publisher of this blog is anything but dumb.  He's a smart cookie who posts a wealth of useful information that is certainly worth checking out.  Do yourself, and me, a favor and visit DumbLittleMan to check out my post and others.